Pure Listening, A Gift Of Love
One of the greatest gifts we can give in our relationship, especially our deeply committed, long term relationship is pure listening.
And it is one of the rarest gifts to be able to give.
When we live with another, day in and day out, year in and year out, it is common to build up reactions, assumptions, defenses, even judgements that rise up when our partner is attempting to express themselves and share with us. How often have we heard the statement, “I just want to feel heard, feel “gotten” It is our relational nature to reach to another, especially a trusted, intimate partner to share our deepest feelings, experiences, wants and needs. The very act of expressing and revealing our inner experience is guided by this longing to feel seen, heard and “met” - just as we are.
When we receive this amazing gift, we are able to be with ourself more and the most amazing thing happens. The nervous system, the psyche, the heart and the soul register this state of pure connection, acceptance, presence from another and relief floods through us. And quite often that leads to an even more significant shift. We drop into a more calm and centered place within ourself and we not only feel better, but we also perceive differently. We see our own fearful, reactionary self and we see the situation with more clarity and gain a deeper understanding of what is really going on.
This is the true gift of Pure Listening. We are listening with all of our presence, acceptance and non reaction, non responding, so that our Beloved can find their way home to their own SELF. Quite often tears of relief are shed, AHA moments occur, the true want or need is revealed or simply resolves and a much deeper conversation ensues or gratitude is expressed. AND YOU DIDN”T HAVE TO SAY A THING!!! - except maybe, “ I am here, I hear you, I am with you.”
There are of course, other helpful and often necessary steps to attend to whatever the issue is and you also need your turn to be fully and completely listened to. Learning the practices of conscious speaking and conscious responding are essential for true healing and breakthrough inducing communications. If you are just beginning your journey of learning how to be active, aware and mutually supportive partners to each other, I suggest you start with listening.
And….even before you attempt to offer pure listening to your partner, begin with yourself.
Learn to be the Present Witness and partner to yourself. Here is a simple practice to try.
BODY SCAN
Sit quietly and comfortably without distraction or disruption. Breathe and ground yourself into the present moment. Then with your ability to watch, observe and witness, begin tracking your inner experience. It sometimes helps to imagine you have a soft spotlight or flashlight and you are beaming it to the top of your head. Notice any sensations and then slowly scan back and forth, and down through your head, your face, the back of your neck and so on. Stopping and paying attention to any tingling, pulsing, gripping, softness, warmth, coolness or other physical sensations. Each time you discover something, pause there, taking in a soft slow breath and offer the breath to that experience and let the breath release in a slow sigh.
Watch what happens!!!!!
It may soften, or remain the same or even get more noticeable. Just let it be and continue with your scan. When you have scanned your full body, just take another few moments to simply BE WITH yourself as you are.
THIS IS PURE LISTENING AND PURE PRESENCE.
Notice how it feels to receive this rare gift and practice fully receiving it. Recognize what shifts inside you as you receive these offerings. Until we have actually experienced this quite remarkable dynamic, that presence, acceptance and pure listening and being with actually invoke positive change inside of us, we don’t fully realize how powerful it is to offer this to another.
When you get the hang of this inner listening practice using the body scan, you can consider inviting your partner to also learn. And here is something to consider…..how about a mini date where you each do your body scan and report out loud what you are experiencing. Here is another simple practice that you do together.
CO-LISTENING.
Find a time when you are able to be fully with each other without interruption. One of you begins your body scan. Your partner intentionally sits completely quiet and practices offering their pure listening and presence. When you are complete you thank your partner and switch roles. No discussing of content, no advice giving, or analysis or problem solving…just being with your self and with each other in pure listening and presence. Notice what happens, both inside your self in each of the roles and especially what happens to the quality of your connection with each other, just from this simple practice. End the practice with a simple “Thank You” If you like you can share the shifts that occurred and in the beginning agree not to discuss the content. Just how the practice made you feel and how it shifted your connection in any way.
TRY IT! I think you will like it.
And please consider a series of Conscious Couples Deepening Your Love Sessions. You will learn these skills and practices and also a super potent, powerful communication process for how to take the next steps of pure responding and dialoguing.
The goal and aspiration is to have such skillful communication abilities that together you know how to request and provide behavior changes, solve problems, and make decisions that are healing, co creative and take care of each person’s need to feel safe and respected. The whole reason for your being together is to have a supportive team mate in facing and navigating all that life places on your path. There is no greater investment you can make together!
Please follow this link to the Couples Counseling page for more information and use the Consultation button to schedule a free consultation. https://www.officiantgrace.com/couples-counseling
Deep bows of respect to everyone learning the art of Pure Listening and the Art of Conscious Dialogue.
